Worst: Nice Hidden Village You Got Here

It’d be a shame if something happened to it.

If this is a hidden village for hidden Pokémon to hide in, why do Team Rocket know its approximate location? Also, cue the beginning of Team Rocket always being in the same area as Ash, even when they’re not planning to catch Pikachu.

Best: You Are a Pirate!

As a fan of non-sequitirs, Ash’s long, rambling theory of what happened to Brock, that quickly devolves into some sort of vicarious fantasy is one of the funniest things I’ve seen in the first ten episodes of this show.

Basically, Brock fell into the river and he’s not there now. Therefore, he must have been dragged along by the current. Eventually rivers tend to run into a larger body of water, ergo Brock could have been washed out to sea. Oceans tend to have boats on them, due to mankind’s proud maritime traditions, so logically Brock is on a boat. Pirates have boats so naturally a pirate ship picked up Brock. Years of shorthand stereotypes mean that the pirate must have a wooden leg. Through this we can deduce that the wooden leg belonged to the pirate that was on the ship that was on the ocean that the river ran to that Brock fell in. It’s wonderfully bizarre and has the patchwork logic of a child.

When you combine it with his retort to Misty’s insults; “Then the storm came” then it’s one of the top moments in the entirety of the show.

Best: Brockadille Dundee

Brock’s climbing out of bloody ravines, hunting down silly young Pokémon trainers and getting them out of traps with his trusted bowie knife. He probably had to wrestle a Feraligatr before Melanie pulled him out of the river. Honestly, I’m just shocked 4Kids kept the knife in, even if it’s only being used as a child-rescuing tool.

(Note: can you believe that in 2012 there is still a 10-letter limit on Roman letter Pokémon names so we still have to say Feraligatr instead of Feraligator? First world problems, man.)

Brock explains how he was rescued by a beautiful woman, which Ash states is even better than a pirate (like he would know) unless she was really a pirate in disguise. Sadly, Misty shuts Ash down before he begins his descent into madness anew.

Best: The Cabin in the Woods

I paid for a hidden village, dagnabit and I’m not leaving until I get a hidden village. Well, now we know where Joss Whedon stole that idea from. (Legal note: He probably didn’t.)

Brock: The Whore
Ash: The Fool
Misty: The Athlete
Pikachu: The Scholar
Tracey Sketchit: The Virgin

Gary Oak: Fornicus – Lord of Bondage and Pain

Worst: Privacy Laws in the Kanto Region Are Hardcore

I respect a person’s right to privacy on their property as much as anyone but is it legal to just leave traps around that could easily kill unprepared people who just happened to wander off the beaten path a little?

Yeah, I get that it’s all to protect the Pokémon and all but come on, this is overkill. What was the deal with the bridge trap? You put up a fake bridge that’s designed to fall apart if wind hits it. How about you don’t put up a bridge and then no-one crosses the ravine at all?

Worst: I’m Not A Doctor, No Wait, I Am A Doctor, Here’s Your Bill

Melanie isn’t a Pokémon doctor, which means she’s not qualified to place Poké Balls on the little light-up machine and listen to the jaunty tune which follows. But then again, if we take them at their title, the Nurses Joy aren’t Pokemon doctors either. Sure, they do the work of doctors, but they’re always called nurses and the few males we see in the field are referred to as doctors. Just more institutional sexism in the medical profession, I guess. No wonder Melanie went to live in a hidden village that’s comprised of one shack.

It just seems like there’s a deliberate attempt to dissuade the audience of any notion of Melanie being more than these Pokemon’s babysitter.

  1. Rando says:

    was that a Fievel reference!? <3

    you know, i honestly never realized there was a 10-character name limit (though that totally makes sense). with all the weird-ass names, i just assumed that somewhere along the line, someone through Feraligatr was clever.

    i'm starting to get the impression that you somehow dislike tracey sketchit :\

    • David says:

      It was either going to be Fievel or Maus and I went with the slightly cheerier option.

      I haven’t watched the Orange Island stuff in years so I’m actually wondering if after 10 or so years my opinion on Tracey Sketchit will have changed. We’ll find out in about a year and a half.

  2. Flare says:

    “Look, the thing is, no matter what happens after the fact, almost no Pokémon wants to be captured. That’s why you beat them up until they curl up in a fetal position and then steal them away from their lives, friends and family in the wild.” = The cold, hard truth about Pokemon.

    • David says:

      There’s only room for one shitty website around here, so I’ve removed all the spam links forcing you suckers to remain here for all eternity.

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